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1. Difference between traffic warden and a cockroach.

2. Flooded streets..

3. Bus with traffic wardens going over a cliff..

4. Laboratory rats.

5. Drowning.

6. Trapped in room.

7. Getting into heaven.

8. The brass rat.

9. In a tree.

10. The genie.

11. Burying them.

12. Taken hostage.

13. Instant dislike.

14. Tiling a roof.

15. The lion and the funeral.

16. The truck driver.

17. Stopping a bus.

18. Warden and taxman.

19. The heart transplant.

20. Playing golf.

21. Hindu, Rabbi and traffic warden.

22. Free haircut.

23. Porcupine.

24. Why so many.

25. Dead snake on road.

26. A lawyer, a real estate agent and a traffic warden are caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. .

27. what do you call a bus half full of trafic wardens going over a cliff? .

28. What do you get when you cross a traffic warden and a uniform-making-computer? .

29. Jesus is telling the parable of the good Samaritan. .

30. Disabled space.

31. Whats the difference between a badly rotten lettuce and a traffic warden? .

32. What does it say on the back of a traffic wardens id card? .

33. The coffin.

Jokes:

1. Difference between traffic warden and a cockroach.

What is the difference between traffic warden and a cockroach?
One is an ugly dirty creature you want to stamp on. The other is an insect.

2. Flooded streets..

Imagine the streets were flooded and you were on a roof top. You see a traffic warden, still holding his ticket book, going down for the third time in the raging waters.
Do you:
1. Fall off the roof laughing?
2. Throw rocks at him?
3. Curse you dont have a camera?

3. Bus with traffic wardens going over a cliff..

What do you call a half-filled bus of traffic wardens going over a cliff?
A missed opportunity.

4. Laboratory rats.

Scientists have started using traffic wardens instead of rats for many experiments.
There are three reasons:
Traffic wardens are more plentiful than rats.
Scientists get less attached to the traffic wardens than they did to the rats.
There are some things even a rat wont do.

5. Drowning.

First person: Do you know how to save five traffic wardens who are drowning?
Second person: No.

First person: Good!

6. Trapped in room.

Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a traffic warden. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the traffic warden. Twice.

7. Getting into heaven.

One day, a teacher, a dustman, and a traffic warden all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the dustman, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that he would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The dustman guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the traffic warden. "What were their names?"

8. The brass rat.

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass traffic warden.”

9. In a tree.

How do you get a traffic warden out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

10. The genie.

A man walking on Brighton beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But theres a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every traffic warden in England will receive double what you asked for."


First, the man wished for a Rolls-Royce. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every traffic warden in England has been given two Rolls-Royces," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million pounds." replied the man, and POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet.

"Now, every traffic warden in England is two million pounds richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate ONE kidney."

11. Burying them.

When traffic wardens die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

12. Taken hostage.

A restaurant full of traffic wardens was held hostage.
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one traffic warden every hour.

13. Instant dislike.

Joe asked an old friend to go out for a drink with him after work.
“I don’t understand,” Joe complained. “When people find out I’m a traffic warden, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”

His friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

14. Tiling a roof.

How many traffic wardens does it take to tile a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

15. The lion and the funeral.

A long funeral procession passes by. It’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?”
“My lion ate the local traffic warden and this is his funeral,” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “Theres a traffic warden in my neighbourhood I’d like to have eaten.”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to join the queue,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

16. The truck driver.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over traffic wardens he saw walking down the side of the road.

Every time he saw a traffic warden walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"Im going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a traffic warden walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the traffic warden.

Certain he shouldve missed the traffic warden, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP".

He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "Im really sorry Father. I almost hit that traffic warden".
"Thats okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

17. Stopping a bus.

How many traffic wardens does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

18. Warden and taxman.

If a traffic warden and a tax inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

19. The heart transplant.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, he fell offf his motorbike. The third is a traffic warden who just died after giving tickets for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the traffic warden’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

20. Playing golf.

A priest, a doctor, and a traffic warden were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
"Whats wrong with these guys?" fumed the traffic warden. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"I dont know," said the doctor, "but Ive never seen such ineptitude!"

"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Lets have a word with him. Say, George, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow. arent they?"

"Oh, yes," said George, "Thats the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "Thats so sad, I think Ill say a prayer for them tonight."

"And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.

"Why cant they play at night?" asked the traffic warden.

21. Hindu, Rabbi and traffic warden.

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a traffic warden, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

22. Free haircut.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A traffic warden came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you keep our traffic running smoothly." The next morning the barber found a dozen traffic wardens waiting for a free haircut.

23. Porcupine.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a car with two traffic wardens riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

24. Why so many.

Why are there so many traffic wardens in England?
Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

25. Dead snake on road.

How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead traffic warden lying on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

26. A lawyer, a real estate agent and a traffic warden are caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. .

A lawyer, an estate agent and a traffic warden are caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. As it’s illegal to drink there, they are sentenced to 10 strokes of the whip each.
Before carrying out the sentence, the guard offers them all a wish. The Traffic warden asks for a pillow tied to his back, so he gets his wish but after 5 whips the pillow splits. The estate agent asks for 2 pillows, but after 7 whips it goes through. The lawyer asks for 10 more whips, this impresses the guard and so the guard offers an extra wish for being so brave, so he asks for the traffic warden to be strapped to his back!

27. what do you call a bus half full of trafic wardens going over a cliff? .

a missed opportunity

28. What do you get when you cross a traffic warden and a uniform-making-computer? .

A whole lotta tickets!

29. Jesus is telling the parable of the good Samaritan. .

A traffic warden was travelling down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he is set upon by theives. The theives leave him by the road.
The Priest and the Rabbi see the traffic warden and pass him by.

The good Samaritan however, sees the traffic warden gives him a few kicks; drags him into the middle of the road and waits for a cart to run him over.
This is the true tale of the good Samaritan.

30. Disabled space.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oi, whats your disability?

I said Tourettes! Now fuck off you c**t!

31. Whats the difference between a badly rotten lettuce and a traffic warden? .

Ones a cold, wet,horrible cabbage looking mound of stinking disgusting filth- but the lettuce still at least has a heart.

32. What does it say on the back of a traffic wardens id card? .

"Do not resuscitate"

33. The coffin.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"Im not dead, Im not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperworks already done."

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